Make that marriage work again

What steps should someone whose spouse is in the act of infidelity take, in a case where he/she still wants that marriage?

Hmm! Lovely question, isn’t it? You know when we talk about marriage; we have to take two parties into consideration. It is not enough that one party still wants to continue the marriage when the other party is completely done!

Both parties must be willing to make their marriage work

There must be a mutual agreement or else, if anything is done to fix the marriage, it will be fruitless and very frustrating because “it takes two to tango”. But in a situation whereby both parties are still willing to make it work, many things will be involved. Let me list few steps that should be taken in order to save a marriage that suffered from infidelity from a partner.

1. Transparency: There must be complete transparency. Both must communicate extensively to let out  their feelings, the offenses, the secrets, the inadequacies, etc

Communicate your feelings effectively

“When the reasons for an action is known, the reaction becomes less effective, and the solution becomes possible” They need to discuss their dislikes with each other so that they can both know where they went wrong. Often times, when a marriage is on the verge of breakage, it is always due to lack of communication.

Tell your spouse how you feel, the offenses, the secrets, the inadequacies

If you don’t talk about how you feel, the offense, insult, altitude… you won’t understand each other’s reasons for acting the way you both act. Your actions at times could be due to self-defense or messed up perspective, you have for your spouse, which is also capable of stirring up a reaction in your spouse. When you communicate with your spouse, letting out all the feelings you bottled in for long, you will feel like a heavy luggage was just lifted off your shoulders. Ensure that you always keep communication alive in your marriage, if communication is disconnected/ broken; build a bridge. Never allow a complete break in communication, if you want your marriage to work.

2. Determination and ready to take responsibility: The unfaithful partner in the relationship must show responsibility and determination to curb infidelity because willingness is not enough.

show responsibility and determination to curb infidelity

That he/she is willing to curb infidelity does not mean that there won’t be a recurrence of such act. Willingness without determination will fade. To curb infidelity, the unfaithful partner must be determined, strong-willed, adopt self-disciple and self-control, be responsible, communicate with spouse effectively, renew his/ her mind daily, and keep conscience alive.

3. Patience: The other partner that still wants the marriage to work despite his/her spouse has cheated on him/ her, must be willing to be ‘patient’ with the unfaithful partner because he/she will not change overnight; change is a gradual process.

You need to have patience

Give your partner time to practice step 2. It is not easy to change, especially if infidelity has become a habit for your partner. Are you willing to be patient? How long you need to be able to trust your spouse again is based on your spouse determination and strong will to consciously curb infidelity, and your willingness to adopt an open mind that is capable of trusting your spouse again. Note; a sudden change is ‘pretense’. Don’t fall for pretense!

4. Compromise: Both spouses should adjust their differences, compromise their wants and improve on their inadequacies. In as much as infidelity is wrong from every point of life, at times there could be justification for your spouse’s infidelity act. Understand the reason(s) behind the act and learn to compromise.

You must be willing to compromise.

To make a marriage work; you must be willing to compromise. When I say compromise, I mean healthy compromise, of course, not the type that will be a threat to your self-esteem and well-being.

Find common ground in your marriage; be willing to compromise

You are both two different entities, you both have your differences in taste, want, perspective, motive, believes etc. What is capable of building a bridge to bring the two of you to a common ground in marriage is a compromise. Adjust your differences; work out your needs to suit your spouse want. Note: for every action, there is a reaction; amend the actions, and there won’t be a need for reactions.

5. Rebuild Trust Again: This is the most crucial aspect needed for making your marriage work again. If there is no trust in a marriage, it is dangerous to continue in such marriage. Do you know why? It negatively affects self-esteem and self-worth.

Rebuild trust again in your marriage

Lack of trust in any relationship is poisonous, it is capable of destroying your emotional capability; leaves you emotionally traumatized, and makes you feel unsecured, thereby having a negative psychological effect on your reasoning and your perspective about yourself. If you know that you cannot trust your spouse again, staying in that marriage will do you more harm than good.

Though it is hard to build trust again after it’s been broken, nonetheless, trust and communication are the fuel and engine of a marriage. If your unfaithful spouse is not ready, determined and focused on building your trust again, it doesn’t worth it for you to stay in such marriage.

Can you trust your spouse again?

The feeling of a break in trust is extremely painful, it could be short-termed or long-termed for some people, but it can still be rebuilt with an open mind and deliberate action. Marriage is for companionship and there can’t be true companionship without trust.

There can’t be true companionship without trust.

I easily don’t trust people, but if I do and you break the trust I have for you, I won’t give you a second chance to prove yourself.Some people have the grace to trust and trust again, but I don’t have that grace.

For people that are like me, don’t ever make the mistake of staying in that marriage. If you know you can never trust your spouse again, don’t stay in the marriage because you will be destroying your spouse’s self-esteem even long after when he/she as changed for the better and you will also be hurting yourself emotionally which could lead to emotional frustration or trauma.

6. God Factor: Finally, please always involve God in all you do. 

Let God be the captain

Hopefully, the marriage can work again and ‘bond’ stronger just as gold comes out shining, strong and beautiful from the furnace.

Caught in the act of infidelity

Discussing infidelity, someone asked me this question “Let us look at the scenario of someone who is playing smart with his/her extramarital affairs? A case study of a woman who discovered her husband's extramarital affairs. What should be her next wise action? Meanwhile, the husband in question is making provision for his family except that he can't simply stick to his wife only”.

Confirm your suspicions

I know that the issue of infidelity is really affecting many marriages/ relationships, so I thought of writing the answer to this question to help others in the same situation or those seeking to confirm their suspicion of their spouse cheating on them.

You know there is a saying that one man's food is another man's poison. Regarding this case study? One major question for the woman is: What do you what? I do hear some ladies say “As long as their Husband is taking care of them and the children, they have no problem with his infidelity act”. This statement is often born out of low self-esteem and lack of self-worth. Deep down, these women really wish they could be their husband one and only desire (everybody loves the idea of being special and being treated specially). This statement is often altered from women who are yet to discover their value, emotionally and psychologically traumatized. In a way to leverage and disguise their true feelings in public, they use this statement.

Heal your state of psychological trauma; value yourself

So we need to ask the woman what she wants. It is important we know her school of thought before taking any further steps. If she belongs to the above party, all she need is to discover herself, value herself, love herself and know her worth (She needs to be healed emotionally and find peace within herself first).

If the woman does not belong to the above school of thought and wants a complete man; we can then proceed with our discussions, even though it is really a big issue to deal with. Most marital problems' genesis is right from when the couples were in courtship/ relationship; they ignore their instincts, get married then complain afterward. Whatever you don’t like in your partner, if it is not dealt with before you both get married, then it will continue to reoccur (it won’t change) and any attempt you make to change it because you are now married will lead to great dispute, at times divorce. This is because your spouse cannot understand your sudden change in attitude or reaction since you do accept that specific character/attitude from him/her before you both got married. Your spouse will always tell you “you know that I am like this before you married me”. That’s it (end of discussion). More than 70% infidelity cases started right from relationship/ courtship (Well! That’s a topic to be discussed for another day).

The success of the steps depend on you

To expose and address a partner hiding his/her extramarital affairs, it takes wisdom, diplomacy, and well-skilled actions.

I will give you six (6) steps on exposing your partner’s infidelity act.The success of these steps is dependent on your level of wisdom, diplomacy, maturity and intelligence.

1. Caught in the act: The most important step worthy of discussion is to catch him/her red-handed. Hmm! Someone will say HOW? This is why you need intelligence; you must not let your spouse know of your plan.

Make sure that you have a valid evidence

Play your game tight! Having just suspicions or non-concrete evidence can be denied by your partner, but 'caught in the act" can't be denied. When I say ‘caught in the act’, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you must be the one to discretely investigate your partner in order to catch him/her red-handed. You could employ the services of professionals e.g. Cheaters.

This is not the best way of conflict management.

If you should catch your partner in the act, don’t barge in and start raining insult or causing trouble within that location. (This may work for some people, but is not the best way of conflict management; you have to control your anger to avoid catastrophe). This type of problem should be treated with diplomacy, in a systematic way and with a high level of intelligence, especially if your partner is not a complete 'jerk' and you still want the marriage to work. Make sure that you have a "valid evidence/ fact” e.g. video, picture (anything digital).

2. Right timing: Wait for the moment when you know your partner is most relaxed and then raise a discussion about infidelity.

Talk about infidelity when your partner is relaxed.

Make up a story or a case study for discussion. (Only those that are diplomatic can wait for the right timing when their partner is relaxed before they talk about their partner’s infidelity. This is because the scene of ‘caught in the act’ alone will stir up anger (boiling over 100 degrees Celsius) and feeling of the betrayer, that makes you feel like trampling and squeezing the traitor at that instance/ moment. If you are not diplomatic in nature, you can skip step 2, it’s very much understandable).

3. Confrontation: confront him/her (get your partner by surprise). His/her statement/ submissions about the infidelity case study you raised (in step 2) will determine your means and direction of confrontation.

Confront your spouse

From experience, I discovered that those guilty of infidelity are always the ones that are quick to judge others and disapprove of their infidelity act.

Confront your partner; show your partner the evidence.

Step 3 process is centered on using your partner’s words against him/ her. Note! Make sure to confront your partner during the moment he or she least expected, that was why I said when s/he is well relaxed. With that, your partner won't have ready-made lies; you will see him/ her stammering and saying more than 10 different words/ statement within a minute. If your partner denies, show your partner the evidence (this is the best part). S/he will have no reason/ justification to deny again. The truth is out already.

4. Listen to explanation: Yes, always listen to your spouse explanation even if you think it’s not needed. The effective value of communication is to listen. Hear your spouse out. Yes, I know you already have evidence of infidelity in your hand, but just listen to whatever he/she has to say.

Just listen to whatever your spouse has to say.

I have heard and seen different cases of infidelity of which it was just a setup or a trap. What you saw might not be what really happened, so don’t be too quick to judge. Even if you haven’t heard/seen cases of set up, at least I believe you watch films and must have seen it happened several times in the movies. And you will agree with me that in such cases, the marriage would have been saved if only the partner could listen to his/ her spouse explanations.

5. Confirmation: Now that you have listened to the explanation your spouse has to say, process the explanation and conclude if the explanation is just an excuse, or a fact, or habit.

Confirm the explanation.

Even the bible says we should find out/ prove everything and hold fast that which is good/ true. Confirm by going through a thorough procedure and firm reasoning.

6. Make a threat: Before embarking on this journey of confirming your spouse infidelity, if you still care to work things out in your marriage, you must plan for the best (reunion) and prepare for the worse (separation for a while or total separation ‘divorce’). Since you are prepared for the worse, make a threat to leave him/her and if you sense 'sincerity of change' and 'willingness to make things work' with your partner, then you both can apply methods of making the marriage work again. 

Make a threat to leave.

Your threat, if well administered, will work for your good. If your partner values you and can't cope with the thought of you leaving him/her, especially knowing full well that the fault is from him/her and not you, your spouse will also be more than willing to work things out with you in the marriage. 

The question is: Are you a person worthy of value? If you are not of value, I will advise you just the same way I will advise the lady that her husband cheats on her, but still provides for the family (case study), to stay in your current situation since you have no value. What you need is to heal your emotions, first by finding yourself so that you can know your worth and the value you deserve.

Let me summarize the steps scientifically, starting with the hypothesis:

What is your final decision?

• Hypothesis: Have your suspicions about your spouse.

• Experiment: Get your samples for experiments. Put your acts together and work on catching your spouse red handed “caught in the act”.

• Result: Produce evidence of your experiment “caught in the act” e.g. videos, pictures, messages (preferably digital evidence).

• Conclusion: After listening to your spouse explanation, and from the result (evidence) in your hand, make the conclusion. Draw your conclusion after thorough reasoning and situation analysis.

• Theory: From your conclusion, you can state the theory of your spouse act of infidelity. Do you want to stay and continue with your marriage or you want to check out?

• Law: Make the law! If you want to check out, go ahead and issue your spouse a divorce letter and If you want to work it out, go ahead and tell your spouse the new Do’s and Don’ts of your relationship, accepted by you under your own terms and condition.

Escape Route

Your exit could be your escape route. Never ignore it!

Never Ignore It

If you keep doing something in a wrong way or continue to channel your talent into the wrong direction, no matter how determined and focused you may be, it will never yield a positive result. Never ignore your exit! For you to be successful, you need to take exit (escape route) from the wrong path.

For you to be successful, you need to take the exit, from the wrong path.

I remembered during the raining season last year, a man decided to plant maize on the plot of land by the side of my house (it was the season of maize). He planted maize on the full plot of land, but his maize never yielded corn, not even a single mature corncob. This man was determined to harvest corn that season, he stayed focused, he never gave up, he weeds the plant frequently, did everything as expected but he never had anything to show for it. Do you know why?

Nothing to harvest at the end of the season.

The land he planted the maize was a sandy soil (cannot retain nutrient). In other words, this man channeled his idea (planting of maize) to the wrong direction. If only he did not ignore his exit, he would have had something to show before the maize went out of season.

Your exit is your way of stopping every activity you are doing (take a break), and think (analyze) if your pathway, method, or style to achieve a meaningful thing is right. If it is not right, then leave that method to start a new method or to walk in a right path. To exit from a place is not for you to give up, it is just for you to re-analyzing and re- strategizing your situation. 

Re-analyze your situation

Think

An exit is a break to analyze a situation. You can't get to see the structure of a building if you stay inside all through. You have to go outside (take the exit) and walk through the building to know how the whole house looks like. Exit helps you to analyze your situation. It is a break you can either resume after the assurance that the method/way you are taking is fertile to yield a result or you start a new method/way to achieve your goal if the previous method or way is infertile/unproductive.

The exit is a pathway that leads to the outside of a place. Your exit doesn't mean that you are giving up. When I tell people not to give up, I am simply saying, fix your gaze on your goal.

Fix your gaze on your goal

For a clearer understanding, let me give you a scenario. I want to go to Ikeja silver bird to watch the latest movie by 12 noon. That movie I am about to watch is my goal. You know that there are many routes that lead to Ikeja (for those familiar with Ikeja, Nigeria). Now I have passed through Ogba to get to Ikeja, I encountered a serious traffic because a trailer fell on the road. I then decided to make a U-turn and take Agege road to get to Ikeja and I eventually was able to meet up with the time for my movie (12 am). Later, after like 5hrs (5 pm), news came to me that the Ogba road is totally blocked, even those that have been there since 10 am are still there. Meanwhile, by that time (5 pm), I have watched the latest movie in the cinemas and I'm even back home. My exit from Ogba route to follow Agege route was my escape route. When I decided to change my route, I did not change my goal. Why? My gaze is fixed on my goal (watching the latest movie). I did not give up on my goal. If I had stayed on Ogba route, as a matter of fact, I would have missed out from my goal. I won't be able to fulfill my goal because I will still be stuck on the way.

The man that planted maize beside my house missed his goal of having corn during its season.

Analyze your situation

If he had stopped to take a break and analyze the situation, he would have worked on improving the soil condition of that land but if the cost of improving the soil condition is very high, his exit from that land would have been his escape route to save guard his goal. He would have moved to another land, apply his analytical skill and knowledge obtained from the previous land to the new land (i.e. also determine/ensure the new land is fertile) and plant the seeds if the new land is fertile. He also would have had corn before the end of the season to harvest. Do you know? One thing about the wrong path is that it always looks like the right one until you get to the end that is when you will realize it's a wrong path because you couldn't get to your destination.

Wrong path always looks like the right path

This man’s maize plant was growing in the sandy soil, he was seeing changes in the height of the maize plant, and he was given a false hope that he will also harvest his farm produce soon but at the end of his path, he has nothing to show for it. Don't wait until you get to the end of that path, it might be too late to start afresh. Why not analyze the path now and take the exit as your escape route if need be.

The reason why some people have nothing to show for their hard work is because they channel their efforts to the wrong direction/path and they couldn't take an exit because they have totally ignored their exit. 

An exit of a place is the entry of another place

EXIT exists for you to reassure or reconfirm your decision to stay in a place. If you cannot confirm your stay, you can take the exit. Always remember this; An Exit is a pathway. It is not for you to give up. An exit of a place is the entry of another place (don’t forget). Your pathway is not your destination, ensure you get to your destination.

Impacting Lives

“Anywhere you find yourself, make sure you impact lives positively”

Impacting lives positively is not just a way of touching lives, but also a way of improving yourself. When you are determined to touch lives regardless of what you face, the environment you find yourself, what you are currently experiencing; you are simply awakening the giant in you.

Awake the giant in you

Most times, we limit our capability and ability to accomplish some things. We always believe that some things are beyond what we can handle or understand, hence we tag/believe those things can only be done by others. I remembered telling a friend about programming (writing codes like Java, HTML, XML, PHP, etc.) since he has a strong passion for anything software.

Most times, we limit our ability

 His response was “I can’t write code. Ayobami! Don’t you know that those people who write codes are more like wizards?. I don’t have the brain and the capacity to be a programmer, even though I wish to become one”. I smiled at his words, these are the usual words we speak to make ourselves comfortable within our boundaries and limitations. I asked him a few questions “ are those programmers human?” He said “yes” and I proceeded to ask another question “ are you human?” he said “ yes, but… " I cut him off because I knew quite well that he was about to give an excuse. I told him “ I don’t need any further explanation. When you get home, think deeply about the questions I asked”.

As we continued our discussion, he kept talking in admiration for programmers, so I asked him why he was so passionate about software. He said, “It always amazes me to see that words that look like jargons are responsible for Tech-world revolution happening around us today.” I told him, do you know those people discovered themselves because they were determined to impact lives positively and make the world a better place? And now, those people have really impacted our lives positively, and they are still impacting us. My last words to him that day was that “Anywhere you find yourself, make sure you impact lives positively.”

Contribute to others happiness

 Months gone, I did not hear from him until a particular day, he chooses to call me for us to hang out. I obliged and we met at our usual place. After exchanging pleasantries, he spoke about his milestone achievements in the software world. He said “Ayobami!, you won’t believe that am now a programmer. Remembered you told me to always impact lives anywhere I go? I took those words to heart and I made up my mind to impact lives anywhere I go to. I started helping people with the minor computer/smartphone tasks, giving guidance/help in Microsoft office, power point, Corel draw, etc. and anytime I solve their problems, they always thank me and leave with a smile. I later noticed that I was more interested in their ‘smiles’ than ‘thank you’. With time, they started coming to me to help them develop a website, mobile application, etc. This will need software like Java, PHP, HTML, XML, etc. They thought I could do those things because they always take me to be a computer guru. Initially, when people ask me about programming related issues, I was always quick to tell them I don’t know programming languages. But after I made up my mind to impact lives positively with my ability and doing what I know how to do best, I found it so hard to tell them I don’t know programming languages. I think this is because I don’t what to lose those beautiful smiles that always make my day fulfilled. My determination for impacting lives made me accept those programming tasks and I challenged myself with it. I started studying programming languages, I went for training /seminars so that I will become equipped in solving the tasks I already challenged myself with. Everyday, I always practice whatever I was taught in training and even search online for relevant materials. 

I made up my mind to impact lives anywhere I fing myself

It took me months, but I kept on learning because I wanted to prove to myself that I can do it since I have already taken up the challenge. Though some that couldn’t wait for me gave their work (website dev., App dev. etc.) to professionals. You won’t believe it! I eventually did those programming tasks. In fact, You need to have seen the joy inside of me, I was extremely happy and those people were happy too, seeing that it was working perfectly well. Some of them gave me money as a way to say thank you to me. It was one of those people that I helped that advised me to start software programming as a business since I was good at it. Today, I am a programmer, making money with my ability and improving my standard of living”.

No matter where you find yourself, use your ability to make others happy. When you are determined about impacting lives, you will be amazed at things you could achieve/do. You will be able to do things you once considered to be impossible for you. I remembered when I started motivating people, I always go to motivational sites, draw out materials/quotes and share with people. Motivation is my passion, so I was always happy anytime people share their testimonies with him, how those motivational words I shared with them changed their lives positively. Although, I always think of writing motivational words myself, but somehow, I always assume/believe those quotes can only be written by highly intelligent people, so I always limit myself.

I challenged myself

 One particular day, Someone shared his testimony with me as usual and he ended up saying “I can’t believe you wrote those words, highly intriguing”. Believe me, his last words hit me like a rock, I kept thinking about his last statements. I knew I wasn’t the author of those motivational words, that made me feel so terrible all through that day.

Break through your self-imposed limit

Then I challenged myself to start writing motivational words. For weeks, I couldn’t come up with inspiring quotes, but I kept trying. It's been over two years now, my pen is still writing and will never stop writing. Anytime people share their testimonies with me, I feel so happy and fulfilled knowing it was my words that changed their lives positively. I found myself while impacting lives and I was able to unleash the potentials within me.

Impacting lives is a way of discovering and developing yourself. Impacting life is just like a rubber band. You can only know the true length/size of a rubber band by stretching it (applying force). Without stretching the rubber band, you will limit the ability of the rubber band. Impacting life is the force you need to know your true potentials, without which, you will limit your ability/potential. Stretch yourself!

 

Unleash your potentials

The effect of Impaction always come as two in one package. When you impact others, you impact yourself as well. “Anywhere you find yourself, make sure you impact lives positively”.