Attraction: The question "why?"

It is often said and proven that good ladies are attracted to and end up with bad guys, and good guys also get attracted to and end up with bad girls. This has raised the question of ‘why’ in the mind of many.

This has raised the question of ‘why’ in the mind of many.

Some said it is because the bad ones are always spontaneous and lively to be with, while some said it has to do with the law of attraction (opposite attracts). I believe that there are also good ones that are very spontaneous, jovial and lively. Well, for some, you might not know unless you engage them. Also, the law of attraction does not operate in a relationship. If you are good, you will definitely dislike a bad person; if you are wise, you will dislike a foolish person… that is why it is said, “show me your friend and I will tell you who you are”. This is because when it comes to a relationship, you get attracted to people of your own kind or similar to your own kind; your friend/spouse/partner is an extension of YOU.

You get attracted to people of your own kind or similar to your own kind.

I think the major issue here is that people always think that a good person is also intelligent; people expect that the good ladies/ guys ought to pick the right choice, so they get shocked when the opposite is seen. The truth is that there is no correlation between ‘good’ and ‘intelligent’. You could be good and lack intelligence. It takes intelligence to define what you really want, go for what you want, know what you got, and process what you got to confirm if it tallies with what you really want. The fact that you are good does not mean you are intelligent.

The fact that you are good does not mean you are intelligent.

Being good is not enough! Lack of intelligence is the major reason why these good ladies/ guys are attracted to bad ones and always suffer at the hands of the bad ones. In terms of attraction, the truth is that the good ones who are attracted to bad ones, have a craving for bad things, but tends to suppress it, and restrict themselves from carrying out the bad actions because of what people will say about them, as people already have taken them to be good. So in the real sense, they are not really good as they present themselves to be good.

Being Good is not Enough! Be intelligent.

No good and intelligent lady or guy will ever date a bad person except in the case where the bad ones disguised to be a good one and they also failed to thoroughly evaluate the person’s character and their relationship as well. A good and intelligent guy or lady will always get attracted to someone of his/her own kind or similar to his/her Kind but never the opposite.

What is your name?

Your gender, houses, car, bank account… will not be recorded in the book of life. One thing pertaining to the earth that will be recognized in heaven is your NAME. Your name is the requirement for registration of your soul and a ticket that will grant you pass into eternal life.

What is your name? Parents! Be careful when you name your children. Perhaps, your parent named you contrary to your purpose, you have 100% right to change your name. Ask God for a new name.

 

Is your name qualified to be written in the book of life?

God changed some peoples’ name in the bible because with their formal name, they are not qualified to be registered in the book of life. Everything concerning you on earth will come to an end, but your name has no end; it is what you will be called with even in heaven.

Love is not enough in a relationship

Love is not enough to keep a relationship/marriage going. Love is a strong affection that attracts two people, but love is not all that is needed to make a relationship/ marriage work.  I will explain why love is not enough, using the illustration of magnet and steel. I believe this is a more simplified method, easy for everyone to understand. Love is like a ‘magnet’ while the two people in love are like ‘steels’. The magnet attracts the steels and keeps it together, but as soon as the steels start to ‘rust’, the force of attraction (power of the magnet), begins to lose its effect. It will get to a point when the steels will no longer adhere to the magnet because of the high level of rust.

Using the illustration of magnet and steel, it is easy to understand.

When the rust becomes extreme, that is when the steels will fall off the magnet, in this case, the marriage or relationship will break. Do you know that more than 70% divorced couples still claim to love their partner? So, lack of love is not the reason for their divorce. They are divorced because the love between them was unable to bind them together as a result of their differences in character, believe, motive, want, needs, attitude, etc. Though the love (magnet) is still there, but cannot bind the couples (steels) together due to unwanted attitude/ character (rust). If two steels (lovers) are kept together by a magnet (love) and either one or both steels start to rust (unacceptable characters), it will get to a point that the steel (s) will fall off the magnet.

Do you know that more than 70% divorced couples still claim to love their partner?

If a steel attracted to a magnet gets detached from it, are we going to say the magnet is missing (Love is missing)? Or are we going to say the magnet has lost its value? Hell no! It simply means the steel is rusted because the magnet is still there. As we know, rusted steels defile the rule/principle of a magnet. The principle of a magnet is to attract pure metals and not rusted ones, in likewise manner love also has its laid down principle/ rule, similar to the magnetic principle. We know in science that rust does not happen suddenly, it is a gradual process. Rust and corrosion strongly affect the magnetic properties of metals. Rusting and corrosion introduce atoms of other elements (typically oxygen), making new chemical forms with different interactions between neighbouring atoms’ electrons. Usually, these end up either non-ferromagnetic or less ferromagnetic than the pure magnetic metal.

The most common form of corrosion is rusting, which occurs when iron combines with oxygen and water. Rust (a collection of some iron oxides: ) is virtually non-magnetic, unlike plain iron or most types of steel. (let’s not go into chemistry- #smiles). The main point is that rust doesn’t just occur; there are factors that cause rust in steels/ metals.

Rust in a relationship is caused by unacceptable characters, motives, beliefs, or wants

In the same manner in a relationship/marriage, rust is caused by unacceptable characters, motives, beliefs, want/ need e.g. infidelity, malice, selfishness, greediness, abuse of power, lies, insecurity, inferior complex, extreme jealousy, third party interference, lack of conscience, etc. This unacceptable character by a partner or both partners is capable of destroying the relationship/ marriage. When these bad characters /habits start to dominate a marriage, it is at this point that a partner will file for a divorce and be like “I have had enough”. S/he seeks to divorce even though they still love each other, just like a heavily rusted metal/steel will fall off the magnet and won’t stick any longer even in the presence of the magnet.

Don’t be fooled! Never believe that your love for each other will take care of everything.

Just as metal rust is a gradual process, these bad characters are introduced gradually into a relationship/marriage. That is why it is advisable to watch out for these characters in your partner before you get married. Don’t be fooled! Never believe that your love for each other will take care of everything and your marriage will work out fine. Love is not enough in a relationship/ marriage.

Love is the foundation upon which every other thing needed in a relationship is built upon.

Love is dependent on many other factors; trust, communication, money, character, commitment, responsibility, reliability, faithfulness, etc.… without these factors in a relationship/ marriage, it will collapse. Love does not come with these factors, you have to acquire these other factors, alongside with Love. Love is not enough! Though love is the foundation upon which every other thing needed in a relationship is built upon.

Success accumulate enemies

Alert! Success may not increase your friend circle, but accumulate your enemies.

When I was an undergraduate on campus (OAU), my department was on the fifth floor of the faculty building. Anytime we were told that our lecture will take place in one of our lecture rooms in the department, all departmental students countenances will fall. At times, we try to convince our lecturer to change the lecture room. Do you know why? It was because of the stairs.

Faculty of Agriculture, OAU

Imagine climbing 4 flights of stairs containing 20 block steps like 7 times daily. Hmm… You can imagine, right? Ideally, a student will not give his classmate his matric number to check his result on his behalf except if they were close friends. Exam result is believed to be extremely personal by students, so they prefer to check it personally, sometimes wish it wasn’t posted publicly so that fellow students won’t even know their grades.

The thought of going to the department alone is enough to dis-stabilize us

In my department, because of the stress involved in climbing the staircase, anytime we hear that our results are out, we will write down our matric numbers to a classmate that is willing to go to the department. The thought of going to the department alone is enough to dis-stabilize us, not to talk about the anxiety and fear of the result. (The anxiety you feel thinking of what your grade will be).

Why am I talking about my campus days? Campus life came to my mind when writing the above quote. Why do you feel relieved when coming down from the stairs (descending) but feel reluctant to climb up the stairs (ascend)? When you descend the stairs, little energy is required, but when you ascend the stairs, you feel exhausted (depending on the altitude) and it’s always like all you ate that day has disappeared as a result of burning more calories. The scenario of the staircase applies to life. In life, it is so hard and difficult to get to the top of your career while it is so easy to fall from the top (height) of your career. This is because more calories are burnt on getting to the top.

 

Walking up the stairs of greatness is a calorie-blasting activity

As you walk up the stairs of greatness, you will burn more calories because stair climbing is a calorie-blasting activity. The calories burnt when climbing the stairs of greatness includes sleepless night, dedication, patience, self-discipline, determination, focus, positive thinking, hard work, smart work, innovative ideas, strong will… and enemies. Yes, enemies! If you don’t burn your enemies, they will burn you away from the stairs of greatness.

The enemies are the highest calories you must burn on your way to greatness.

The enemies you know, the ones you are not aware of, and the ones that seem to be your friend will burn you away from your achievement.

Enemies are determined to frustrate all your effort.

It is wise that you become aware of your enemies and decide to burn them as calories to get to the height of your career. Enemies are determined to frustrate all your effort to reach the top by placing obstacles in your way, criticizing you, envying you, device/ plan evil for you, etc. Your enemies, both the inside enemies (enemies within) and the outside enemies (enemies without) do the work of burning you away from your career height, just as your blood (within) and limb (without) are involved in the climbing of the staircase (inside-out).

One of the greatest mistakes a man can commit in life that will cause a lasting regret is to be ignorant of the fact that he’s surrounded by enemies and they increase as he keeps pressing on to the top. You can only solve a problem when you understand the problem. Always be on alert for enemies as you climb the ladder of success.

Don’t be easily carried away by men and friends that sing your praise. Trust me, some people you even consider as your friend is your enemy at heart due to envy/ jealousy. 

Don’t be easily carried away in the praise of men.

The earlier you are aware that success will accumulate your enemies, the better you get equipped to handle it and sustain your career height without falling.

Guide yourself from enemies and maintain your career height.

Let me quickly give you 5 steps required to guide yourself from enemies and maintain your career height:

1. Be vigilant
2. Always listen to your instinct
3. Confirm your instinct carefully
4. Keep your tongue (don’t say everything about your life or your plans to people   including your friends)
5. Be prayerful (let God destroy the stronghold of enemies over your life)

Be on alert! Success may not increase your friend circle but it will surely accumulate your enemies as you climb up the ladder of success. For those that don’t want to climb up (be successful), their life’s result will be determined by those that took the decision, endured the pain and burn their calories to climb up.

Enough of living your life at the mercy of others. Climb Success Stairs!

Back to my campus life story, as soon as the person that went to our department (climb up) to check the results comes back, we will inquire our grades from him. You know what? There is no way for us to confirm the accuracy of the results he checked. He could probably have made a mistake of mixing up the grades, but there is no way to confirm unless we also decide to go to our department (climb up). We definitely become what he says we are because we refused to climb up (go to the department). Thank God for technology. When I got to part 3, Our faculty started posting our results online on the campus e-portal, so we don’t have to worry about the stairs. We will just log in to the portal and check our result, this development made every student happy as it also promotes result privacy.

Decide to burn the calories, so that you can truly be in charge of your life.

I remember an incident that happened back then in school. A lady was told she had an F in a core course (3 units) by someone who went to the department to check. She cried and said she feels like dying. She did not wait for the next lecture; instead, she went to her hostel (I guess to cry more). That day, the lecturer gave us an impromptu test of 20 marks. Of course, she missed the test, therefore missing 20 marks already in a core course (5 units) in the Harmattan semester (new semester). After the lecture, her best friend decided to go to the department to confirm this lady’s result, only for her to come back and said the lady did not have an F, she had a C. The first person that went to check the results made a mistake in her matric number. We were happy to hear the news that it was a C. We blamed the first person that checked, but to be candid, he has no fault. The question is: Why didn’t she decide to check her result herself (climb up), but decided to rely on someone’s else effort?

If you are not determined to climb success stairs, you will be a slave to those that climbed.

If you don’t decide to climb up the success ladder, you will be a slave to the one that climbed the success ladder; and your life will be a product of his action, whatever he gives to you is what you will take. I challenge you to get up and burn the calories! Enough of living your life at the mercy of others. Decide to burn the calories, so that you can truly be in charge of your life and make an impact in this world. Life is not about jut breathing, it is about making an impact. Success is beautiful and it is readily available to those that stretch forth to receive it; it is never partial.

Don’t trust anybody completely; always give room for disappointment

Play smart! As you rise in life, don’t trust anybody completely (100%). Always give room for disappointment from people so that perhaps if they disappoint you, it won’t negatively change the course of your life, you will be able to move on with life. If you are highly placed in your career, be careful, less you fall from grace to grass. Remember to fall is easy, just decide to become irresponsible, lazy and carefree, and you will fall; great will be your fall. Falling does not require any other energy than the gravitational force.

If you are highly placed in your career, be careful! Remember to fall is easy.

Success is beautiful to behold and expensive to keep it up. Success comes with a caution. If you ignore the warning signs of success, you will lose it, but if you adhere strictly to its signs, you will gain it.

Be vigilant! Don’t be ignorant, enemies exist.

Success may not guarantee that your true friends will increase, but it will always guarantee that your enemies will accumulate. Wake up! Stop wishing you have no enemies. As a matter of fact, if you don’t have enemies, then you are not progressing in life. Your life is as good as dead. Accept the fact that there will always be enemies on your way to success and then play smart.

“Alert! Success may not increase your friend circle, but accumulate your enemies”

Don’t fade away from your career height. Never be an Ex-champion

The worst feeling ever is to be an ‘Ex-champion’ -Refuse to be regarded as someone that was formally successful,  wealthy, great, influential, etc. When you get to the peak of your career, do whatever (morally acceptable) it will take to keep/maintain your position. Be vigilant! Remember, it is easy to fall. Never fall a free fall in the gravitational field of your career.

Make that marriage work again

What steps should someone whose spouse is in the act of infidelity take, in a case where he/she still wants that marriage?

Hmm! Lovely question, isn’t it? You know when we talk about marriage; we have to take two parties into consideration. It is not enough that one party still wants to continue the marriage when the other party is completely done!

Both parties must be willing to make their marriage work

There must be a mutual agreement or else, if anything is done to fix the marriage, it will be fruitless and very frustrating because “it takes two to tango”. But in a situation whereby both parties are still willing to make it work, many things will be involved. Let me list few steps that should be taken in order to save a marriage that suffered from infidelity from a partner.

1. Transparency: There must be complete transparency. Both must communicate extensively to let out  their feelings, the offenses, the secrets, the inadequacies, etc

Communicate your feelings effectively

“When the reasons for an action is known, the reaction becomes less effective, and the solution becomes possible” They need to discuss their dislikes with each other so that they can both know where they went wrong. Often times, when a marriage is on the verge of breakage, it is always due to lack of communication.

Tell your spouse how you feel, the offenses, the secrets, the inadequacies

If you don’t talk about how you feel, the offense, insult, altitude… you won’t understand each other’s reasons for acting the way you both act. Your actions at times could be due to self-defense or messed up perspective, you have for your spouse, which is also capable of stirring up a reaction in your spouse. When you communicate with your spouse, letting out all the feelings you bottled in for long, you will feel like a heavy luggage was just lifted off your shoulders. Ensure that you always keep communication alive in your marriage, if communication is disconnected/ broken; build a bridge. Never allow a complete break in communication, if you want your marriage to work.

2. Determination and ready to take responsibility: The unfaithful partner in the relationship must show responsibility and determination to curb infidelity because willingness is not enough.

show responsibility and determination to curb infidelity

That he/she is willing to curb infidelity does not mean that there won’t be a recurrence of such act. Willingness without determination will fade. To curb infidelity, the unfaithful partner must be determined, strong-willed, adopt self-disciple and self-control, be responsible, communicate with spouse effectively, renew his/ her mind daily, and keep conscience alive.

3. Patience: The other partner that still wants the marriage to work despite his/her spouse has cheated on him/ her, must be willing to be ‘patient’ with the unfaithful partner because he/she will not change overnight; change is a gradual process.

You need to have patience

Give your partner time to practice step 2. It is not easy to change, especially if infidelity has become a habit for your partner. Are you willing to be patient? How long you need to be able to trust your spouse again is based on your spouse determination and strong will to consciously curb infidelity, and your willingness to adopt an open mind that is capable of trusting your spouse again. Note; a sudden change is ‘pretense’. Don’t fall for pretense!

4. Compromise: Both spouses should adjust their differences, compromise their wants and improve on their inadequacies. In as much as infidelity is wrong from every point of life, at times there could be justification for your spouse’s infidelity act. Understand the reason(s) behind the act and learn to compromise.

You must be willing to compromise.

To make a marriage work; you must be willing to compromise. When I say compromise, I mean healthy compromise, of course, not the type that will be a threat to your self-esteem and well-being.

Find common ground in your marriage; be willing to compromise

You are both two different entities, you both have your differences in taste, want, perspective, motive, believes etc. What is capable of building a bridge to bring the two of you to a common ground in marriage is a compromise. Adjust your differences; work out your needs to suit your spouse want. Note: for every action, there is a reaction; amend the actions, and there won’t be a need for reactions.

5. Rebuild Trust Again: This is the most crucial aspect needed for making your marriage work again. If there is no trust in a marriage, it is dangerous to continue in such marriage. Do you know why? It negatively affects self-esteem and self-worth.

Rebuild trust again in your marriage

Lack of trust in any relationship is poisonous, it is capable of destroying your emotional capability; leaves you emotionally traumatized, and makes you feel unsecured, thereby having a negative psychological effect on your reasoning and your perspective about yourself. If you know that you cannot trust your spouse again, staying in that marriage will do you more harm than good.

Though it is hard to build trust again after it’s been broken, nonetheless, trust and communication are the fuel and engine of a marriage. If your unfaithful spouse is not ready, determined and focused on building your trust again, it doesn’t worth it for you to stay in such marriage.

Can you trust your spouse again?

The feeling of a break in trust is extremely painful, it could be short-termed or long-termed for some people, but it can still be rebuilt with an open mind and deliberate action. Marriage is for companionship and there can’t be true companionship without trust.

There can’t be true companionship without trust.

I easily don’t trust people, but if I do and you break the trust I have for you, I won’t give you a second chance to prove yourself.Some people have the grace to trust and trust again, but I don’t have that grace.

For people that are like me, don’t ever make the mistake of staying in that marriage. If you know you can never trust your spouse again, don’t stay in the marriage because you will be destroying your spouse’s self-esteem even long after when he/she as changed for the better and you will also be hurting yourself emotionally which could lead to emotional frustration or trauma.

6. God Factor: Finally, please always involve God in all you do. 

Let God be the captain

Hopefully, the marriage can work again and ‘bond’ stronger just as gold comes out shining, strong and beautiful from the furnace.