Caught in the act of infidelity

Discussing infidelity, someone asked me this question “Let us look at the scenario of someone who is playing smart with his/her extramarital affairs? A case study of a woman who discovered her husband's extramarital affairs. What should be her next wise action? Meanwhile, the husband in question is making provision for his family except that he can't simply stick to his wife only”.

Confirm your suspicions

I know that the issue of infidelity is really affecting many marriages/ relationships, so I thought of writing the answer to this question to help others in the same situation or those seeking to confirm their suspicion of their spouse cheating on them.

You know there is a saying that one man's food is another man's poison. Regarding this case study? One major question for the woman is: What do you what? I do hear some ladies say “As long as their Husband is taking care of them and the children, they have no problem with his infidelity act”. This statement is often born out of low self-esteem and lack of self-worth. Deep down, these women really wish they could be their husband one and only desire (everybody loves the idea of being special and being treated specially). This statement is often altered from women who are yet to discover their value, emotionally and psychologically traumatized. In a way to leverage and disguise their true feelings in public, they use this statement.

Heal your state of psychological trauma; value yourself

So we need to ask the woman what she wants. It is important we know her school of thought before taking any further steps. If she belongs to the above party, all she need is to discover herself, value herself, love herself and know her worth (She needs to be healed emotionally and find peace within herself first).

If the woman does not belong to the above school of thought and wants a complete man; we can then proceed with our discussions, even though it is really a big issue to deal with. Most marital problems' genesis is right from when the couples were in courtship/ relationship; they ignore their instincts, get married then complain afterward. Whatever you don’t like in your partner, if it is not dealt with before you both get married, then it will continue to reoccur (it won’t change) and any attempt you make to change it because you are now married will lead to great dispute, at times divorce. This is because your spouse cannot understand your sudden change in attitude or reaction since you do accept that specific character/attitude from him/her before you both got married. Your spouse will always tell you “you know that I am like this before you married me”. That’s it (end of discussion). More than 70% infidelity cases started right from relationship/ courtship (Well! That’s a topic to be discussed for another day).

The success of the steps depend on you

To expose and address a partner hiding his/her extramarital affairs, it takes wisdom, diplomacy, and well-skilled actions.

I will give you six (6) steps on exposing your partner’s infidelity act.The success of these steps is dependent on your level of wisdom, diplomacy, maturity and intelligence.

1. Caught in the act: The most important step worthy of discussion is to catch him/her red-handed. Hmm! Someone will say HOW? This is why you need intelligence; you must not let your spouse know of your plan.

Make sure that you have a valid evidence

Play your game tight! Having just suspicions or non-concrete evidence can be denied by your partner, but 'caught in the act" can't be denied. When I say ‘caught in the act’, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you must be the one to discretely investigate your partner in order to catch him/her red-handed. You could employ the services of professionals e.g. Cheaters.

This is not the best way of conflict management.

If you should catch your partner in the act, don’t barge in and start raining insult or causing trouble within that location. (This may work for some people, but is not the best way of conflict management; you have to control your anger to avoid catastrophe). This type of problem should be treated with diplomacy, in a systematic way and with a high level of intelligence, especially if your partner is not a complete 'jerk' and you still want the marriage to work. Make sure that you have a "valid evidence/ fact” e.g. video, picture (anything digital).

2. Right timing: Wait for the moment when you know your partner is most relaxed and then raise a discussion about infidelity.

Talk about infidelity when your partner is relaxed.

Make up a story or a case study for discussion. (Only those that are diplomatic can wait for the right timing when their partner is relaxed before they talk about their partner’s infidelity. This is because the scene of ‘caught in the act’ alone will stir up anger (boiling over 100 degrees Celsius) and feeling of the betrayer, that makes you feel like trampling and squeezing the traitor at that instance/ moment. If you are not diplomatic in nature, you can skip step 2, it’s very much understandable).

3. Confrontation: confront him/her (get your partner by surprise). His/her statement/ submissions about the infidelity case study you raised (in step 2) will determine your means and direction of confrontation.

Confront your spouse

From experience, I discovered that those guilty of infidelity are always the ones that are quick to judge others and disapprove of their infidelity act.

Confront your partner; show your partner the evidence.

Step 3 process is centered on using your partner’s words against him/ her. Note! Make sure to confront your partner during the moment he or she least expected, that was why I said when s/he is well relaxed. With that, your partner won't have ready-made lies; you will see him/ her stammering and saying more than 10 different words/ statement within a minute. If your partner denies, show your partner the evidence (this is the best part). S/he will have no reason/ justification to deny again. The truth is out already.

4. Listen to explanation: Yes, always listen to your spouse explanation even if you think it’s not needed. The effective value of communication is to listen. Hear your spouse out. Yes, I know you already have evidence of infidelity in your hand, but just listen to whatever he/she has to say.

Just listen to whatever your spouse has to say.

I have heard and seen different cases of infidelity of which it was just a setup or a trap. What you saw might not be what really happened, so don’t be too quick to judge. Even if you haven’t heard/seen cases of set up, at least I believe you watch films and must have seen it happened several times in the movies. And you will agree with me that in such cases, the marriage would have been saved if only the partner could listen to his/ her spouse explanations.

5. Confirmation: Now that you have listened to the explanation your spouse has to say, process the explanation and conclude if the explanation is just an excuse, or a fact, or habit.

Confirm the explanation.

Even the bible says we should find out/ prove everything and hold fast that which is good/ true. Confirm by going through a thorough procedure and firm reasoning.

6. Make a threat: Before embarking on this journey of confirming your spouse infidelity, if you still care to work things out in your marriage, you must plan for the best (reunion) and prepare for the worse (separation for a while or total separation ‘divorce’). Since you are prepared for the worse, make a threat to leave him/her and if you sense 'sincerity of change' and 'willingness to make things work' with your partner, then you both can apply methods of making the marriage work again. 

Make a threat to leave.

Your threat, if well administered, will work for your good. If your partner values you and can't cope with the thought of you leaving him/her, especially knowing full well that the fault is from him/her and not you, your spouse will also be more than willing to work things out with you in the marriage. 

The question is: Are you a person worthy of value? If you are not of value, I will advise you just the same way I will advise the lady that her husband cheats on her, but still provides for the family (case study), to stay in your current situation since you have no value. What you need is to heal your emotions, first by finding yourself so that you can know your worth and the value you deserve.

Let me summarize the steps scientifically, starting with the hypothesis:

What is your final decision?

• Hypothesis: Have your suspicions about your spouse.

• Experiment: Get your samples for experiments. Put your acts together and work on catching your spouse red handed “caught in the act”.

• Result: Produce evidence of your experiment “caught in the act” e.g. videos, pictures, messages (preferably digital evidence).

• Conclusion: After listening to your spouse explanation, and from the result (evidence) in your hand, make the conclusion. Draw your conclusion after thorough reasoning and situation analysis.

• Theory: From your conclusion, you can state the theory of your spouse act of infidelity. Do you want to stay and continue with your marriage or you want to check out?

• Law: Make the law! If you want to check out, go ahead and issue your spouse a divorce letter and If you want to work it out, go ahead and tell your spouse the new Do’s and Don’ts of your relationship, accepted by you under your own terms and condition.

Escape Route

Your exit could be your escape route. Never ignore it!

Never Ignore It

If you keep doing something in a wrong way or continue to channel your talent into the wrong direction, no matter how determined and focused you may be, it will never yield a positive result. Never ignore your exit! For you to be successful, you need to take exit (escape route) from the wrong path.

For you to be successful, you need to take the exit, from the wrong path.

I remembered during the raining season last year, a man decided to plant maize on the plot of land by the side of my house (it was the season of maize). He planted maize on the full plot of land, but his maize never yielded corn, not even a single mature corncob. This man was determined to harvest corn that season, he stayed focused, he never gave up, he weeds the plant frequently, did everything as expected but he never had anything to show for it. Do you know why?

Nothing to harvest at the end of the season.

The land he planted the maize was a sandy soil (cannot retain nutrient). In other words, this man channeled his idea (planting of maize) to the wrong direction. If only he did not ignore his exit, he would have had something to show before the maize went out of season.

Your exit is your way of stopping every activity you are doing (take a break), and think (analyze) if your pathway, method, or style to achieve a meaningful thing is right. If it is not right, then leave that method to start a new method or to walk in a right path. To exit from a place is not for you to give up, it is just for you to re-analyzing and re- strategizing your situation. 

Re-analyze your situation

Think

An exit is a break to analyze a situation. You can't get to see the structure of a building if you stay inside all through. You have to go outside (take the exit) and walk through the building to know how the whole house looks like. Exit helps you to analyze your situation. It is a break you can either resume after the assurance that the method/way you are taking is fertile to yield a result or you start a new method/way to achieve your goal if the previous method or way is infertile/unproductive.

The exit is a pathway that leads to the outside of a place. Your exit doesn't mean that you are giving up. When I tell people not to give up, I am simply saying, fix your gaze on your goal.

Fix your gaze on your goal

For a clearer understanding, let me give you a scenario. I want to go to Ikeja silver bird to watch the latest movie by 12 noon. That movie I am about to watch is my goal. You know that there are many routes that lead to Ikeja (for those familiar with Ikeja, Nigeria). Now I have passed through Ogba to get to Ikeja, I encountered a serious traffic because a trailer fell on the road. I then decided to make a U-turn and take Agege road to get to Ikeja and I eventually was able to meet up with the time for my movie (12 am). Later, after like 5hrs (5 pm), news came to me that the Ogba road is totally blocked, even those that have been there since 10 am are still there. Meanwhile, by that time (5 pm), I have watched the latest movie in the cinemas and I'm even back home. My exit from Ogba route to follow Agege route was my escape route. When I decided to change my route, I did not change my goal. Why? My gaze is fixed on my goal (watching the latest movie). I did not give up on my goal. If I had stayed on Ogba route, as a matter of fact, I would have missed out from my goal. I won't be able to fulfill my goal because I will still be stuck on the way.

The man that planted maize beside my house missed his goal of having corn during its season.

Analyze your situation

If he had stopped to take a break and analyze the situation, he would have worked on improving the soil condition of that land but if the cost of improving the soil condition is very high, his exit from that land would have been his escape route to save guard his goal. He would have moved to another land, apply his analytical skill and knowledge obtained from the previous land to the new land (i.e. also determine/ensure the new land is fertile) and plant the seeds if the new land is fertile. He also would have had corn before the end of the season to harvest. Do you know? One thing about the wrong path is that it always looks like the right one until you get to the end that is when you will realize it's a wrong path because you couldn't get to your destination.

Wrong path always looks like the right path

This man’s maize plant was growing in the sandy soil, he was seeing changes in the height of the maize plant, and he was given a false hope that he will also harvest his farm produce soon but at the end of his path, he has nothing to show for it. Don't wait until you get to the end of that path, it might be too late to start afresh. Why not analyze the path now and take the exit as your escape route if need be.

The reason why some people have nothing to show for their hard work is because they channel their efforts to the wrong direction/path and they couldn't take an exit because they have totally ignored their exit. 

An exit of a place is the entry of another place

EXIT exists for you to reassure or reconfirm your decision to stay in a place. If you cannot confirm your stay, you can take the exit. Always remember this; An Exit is a pathway. It is not for you to give up. An exit of a place is the entry of another place (don’t forget). Your pathway is not your destination, ensure you get to your destination.